Can A Son Not Go To His Mother's Memorial Service
North
NeedHelpWithMom Posted December 2019
Just curious, has anyone not gone to a parent's funeral? If so, why? Do you regret not going? Has anyone non been told about a funeral?
I don't see the point of going to an estranged parent's funeral.
Sometimes people are not even notified of the death or arrangements.
74 Comments
Source: https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/just-curious-has-anyone-not-gone-to-a-parents-funeral-if-so-why-do-you-regret-not-going-has-anyone-n-454906.htm
Posted by: beckhamknestagave.blogspot.com
NeedHelpWithMom Aug five, 2021
Jaylove,
Do what is all-time for you lot.
Jaylove, information technology is not incorrect not to attend. In that location'due south no correct or incorrect nigh it. Do what you feel able to when the time comes.
Nobody has any concern either to tell you lot what to exercise or to demand that you determine in advance and commit to what you will do. With you or without y'all the funeral will have place and your begetter - may he be comforted in his concluding days - will receive his proper dues, thanks to your preparations.
You lot will have done everything required of you. Anything else you experience able to manage should exist washed for your own peace of heed and not for the sake of other people's opinions.
My dad was diagnosed with level four Glioblastoma this January. He'south in his final stages and I guess ive come to accept the fact that he is no longer going to be with us very soon. Having to take care of future funeral arrangements has been very difficult and I feel as though I can't or won't be able to nourish his funeral. I don't know what to exercise , I desire to be at that place to say my final goodbyes and be in that location for my family but at the aforementioned fourth dimension my anxiety is getting the best of me and I experience like I can't be there like it'southward going to affect me more mentally if I nourish. My siblings are proverb that information technology looks bad if I don't nourish and then information technology makes me feel bad but at the same time I know I'thou going to have trouble letting go or deal with depression and anxiety after like mentally information technology's going to touch me. Is it incorrect if I don't attend?
NeedHelpWithMom Jun 24, 2021
Jada,
You're correct in saying that he hurt your mom by denying you lot and your beloved sons the right to see her. How awful!
I understand that yous want justice. I experience that your mom is finally at peace and she would want the same for yous. If you lot choose forgiveness, do it for YOU!
Don't permit your brother to steal your peace and joy. He isn't worth that. You don't have to have a human relationship with him though. For what it'southward worth, he lost! He tossed out a loving sister and nephews. What a rotten shame for everyone involved! Very distressing.
These occurrences happen and solved information technology is too late for a reconciliation. You won't come across me preaching 'Pollyanna' messages. I am a realist. I believe in hope until the situation proves itself entirely hopeless!
Jada,
Shame on your brother and how savage. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time. Hope you find some peace as you move on.
Need HelpWithMom,
Thank you for your compassion and the hugs. I think I'll but heal when he is held accountable for all his actions. My mom is the one who suffered in these final 4 years without myself & her grandsons to be there with her. Instead he had a stranger in her dwelling house and then he wouldn't accept to spend time with her.
I pray to become rid of the acrimony & bitterness I experience even though I know I will never forgive him for what he has done. It's besides late at present! 🙏🏻❤️
I didn't become to my father's funeral because I'd but given birth to his grandson some iii weeks before, and I was wrecked with grief over losing him.
The funeral meant nothing to me. All that mattered was that my male parent was gone.
I had no regrets that I was dwelling with the babe.
NeedHelpWithMom Jun 24, 2021
Jada,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your mom.
You lot have been through the mill with your brother! In this case, offering condolences is a kick in the gut. It merely seems superficial and cruel.
My heart breaks for you. Sending a bazillion hugs and sincerely hoping that yous somehow in time detect peace in your heart and soul.
My mom passed the other solar day on what would've been her 74th Anniversary. My brother has blocked myself & my sons from seeing her for the past 4 years.
Upon hearing that I was going to be allowed to encounter her in the nursing abode he flipped out & told them there was a no contact gild against me for elderberry abuse which isn't true.
I found out well-nigh her death by calling the nursing domicile and reading the obituary on the funeral domicile's website. Afterwards contacting the funeral domicile my immediate family was allowed ane hr to say good adieu.
The procession from the funeral domicile to the church will but be for who my brother chooses to be at that place and the burial is private......I'm non allowed.
And he had the gall to call my house yesterday to offer his condolences! Some people are just so controlling & greedy.
NeedHelpWithMom Jun 24, 2021
Tea,
I am and then pitiful. Wishing yous peace. My husband lost touch with his dad. Sad situation. I feel regardless of a relationship, a child should be informed of a death. That is just common courtesy. I also feel that others should put differences aside and offer condolences for your loss. It's very pitiful that people aren't ever thoughtful with each other.
I am the OP of this post from long agone. I am surprised that is resurfaces from fourth dimension to fourth dimension. I find this site interesting as far every bit some posts being shut down and others seem to alive on.
Anyway, in my case, things in my family were resolved and sorted out with mutual respect for each other. My parents are both deceased at present and I did attend the funerals.
My dad died and I have no idea what happened to him, if he had a funeral or non. I didn't get told
Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. I would never judge another for not going to a funeral, for whatsoever reason.
At that place are many reasons people couldn't attend parents funerals. Distance, financial or emotional reasons. I couldn't get to my grandma'due south funeral because of all three reasons. If I lived in the aforementioned state as my Grandma'south, I would take seen her before she passed abroad. We spoke on the phone earlier she passed away, she knew I loved her deeply. I was young and I believed office of me was so afraid of watching her dice. Till these day, 14 years after, I still retrieve of her. If you loved your parent and he/she knew you did, that's all that matters.
Funerals are for the living.
Practice you desire to see and be with the others of family and friends? Do yous want to offer yourself as support to someone who may be there that you love who may be truly grieving the deceased? Those are reasons to go.
Practise you lot want the sense of ending of this portion of *your* life and experience to be marked and noted, if only to you? If you cry, but y'all will know the reasons, whether it is mourning the loss of a loved one, or mourning the love and happiness that never was.
If you can't discover a good reason to go for those yet live, including yourself, have some time that day to go sit quietly by a lake, or in a garden, to reflect, to pray, to mourn, or to call up fondly those things you tin, or banish equally gone and done those things which are painful.
My Dad lived half style beyond the United States when he died from AZ in a veteran infirmary. The weather condition was dreadful in his habitation state. Not certain what do do I chosen my sibling who lived across the street from our abode. She recently had found his will which gave her $10 and all other siblings $x and he left the balance to me. Knowing in that location are six children I had no intention of using the volition and kept the original with me. However, she was livid. She said "If you couldn't come visit him when he was alive, don't come now that he has died."
I had a memorial service for my Dad at my church building and my hubby'southward family and our friends came. Nosotros know loved ones who accept died during covid and we couldn't attend. It doesn't make usa less in our mourning. Nosotros notwithstanding found a way to send something special direct to the families.
I was not estranged from my Dad. His illness separated the states merely I did do all I could past calling and sending intendance packages. Each situation is different and unique. You can pay respect and laurels by remembering any expert memories you might still take. At the time of his memorial service I mourned the Dad I wish he had been. He was directly responsible for the death of my Mom. Sometimes you mourn for what never was. Try to right down pros and cons. It might bring closure, then it might not. Practise what you know is right.
Stilldealing, hither is a idea I promise you will find helpful.
In Judaism there is a blessing which is said on learning of a death (any person's expiry, dearest or otherwise, known personally to you or not):
"Blessed are you, O Lord our God, Rex of the Universe, the estimate of truth."
And it is perfectly acceptable just to leave it at that place!
Vamsiv, everyone has regrets after a death, peculiarly i that you couldn't anticipate. Yous think 'I should have done this' and 'what if I had been able to do that'. It must be even harder when you haven't seen your mother for 5 years. Your family members are going through the same things, and probably that is one reason why they are upset that you couldn't be there - 'yous should have washed that' and 'she would have wanted you lot to do this'. Yous and they know that information technology would have made no deviation, but all this is a normal human feeling that we all go through.
Remember your mother in your own way, and just get through this very very hard time. So many people have so many problems. Many many people on this site have been unable to see their parents who are going through very difficult times isolated in their facilities, and and so many people accept had to cope with deaths that they think should never have happened.
The best that any of us can practice is what seems the right thing to practise at the time. Wait until the pain dies downwardly, and remind yourself that you did what yous idea was best. Your mother is now at peace, and you should exist also.
I'yard and so sorry for your loss, Vamsiv. Information technology is clear from your postal service that you loved your mother very deeply and will always be grateful to her memory.
Information technology seems to me that attending her funeral is a practical thing. It either is possible, or information technology isn't. And if it isn't possible, then you will simply take to be patient with your family until they let y'all explain the reasons. Only I'm pretty sure you lot'll still be heartbroken if you can't pay your female parent your final respects.
So: who can advise you lot nigh this? When is the funeral, and is there in fact a way for you lot to become in that location and and then return to the States? Sometimes there are different rules for people in exceptional circumstances, like yours, and it would be worth finding out.
Because of Covid and the special travel restrictions it may not be possible for you lot to get there, but don't approximate about it. Ask the immigration regime: I'd expect you to be able to observe them online.
What I don't think yous should exercise is sacrifice everything y'all've worked for to render to India for the funeral simply to be unable to return to united states of america. After all the support she gave y'all and all your hard work, I tin't believe your mother would want you lot to surrender your future - not even for the sake of mourning her.
Vamsiv, what'due south done is done. Yous can't change anything now.
Your sis said it was OK for you not to come up, and now she and others don't talk to you considering they expected you lot to go back to India, and you didn't. They probably think you value making money in the U.s.a. more going back to do your duty every bit a son.
Did you talk to your sis and ask why she is now mad at you? She agreed that you didn't demand to get back. Then why is she non talking to you now?
What about your dad? Did you lot talk to him and explain to him BEFORE the funeral? Maybe you didn't considering he's now also not talking to you.
In any case, in your culture, the expectation is that you lot, every bit a son, accept to attend your mother's funeral, but you didn't practice that, so to your relatives, yous neglected your duty. So now they are mad at you. Well, give your relatives time, eventually they will forgive you and talk to you again. Then you can explain to them why you couldn't come dorsum. Correct now, they are not ready to mind to you.
i am continuing with my previous comment here
my female parent wants me to go that visa since long time and besides I promised her that I will go along my helping paw to the people until I alive . I also shared her the couple of donations I did for few I known people . I wanted to stay in Us for the next 7 years not only fullfill of my desires but with main purpose of saving money and donating coin to people who really need information technology . I get 1450$ every week which won't give me much happiness just I experience actually expert if I donate atleast 100-200$ from them . And then I should go money to support these donations .
past considering all these I didn't take run a risk to go to India and attend her funeral. I want to continue her live in all my donations and stated donating money with her proper noun .
people in India including my family thinking about me that I am non responsible son . And then what you guys think well-nigh me after reading all the conversation? Am I bad guy? Am irresponsible son ?
none of my relatives are talking with me now
I lost my female parent yesterday due to COVID . It's all of sudden so quick. I was having normal talk until the terminal week with her even she was suffering with COVID . She told me that she was fine and just the oxygen levels were dropping and that likewise in a normal . No need to worry I will exist fine . Those only were her final words. On the same day my male parent admitted her in local hospital and the dr. started giving handling with actress oxygen. Doctor scared with her oxygen levels and suggested to take her to a better hospital. My male parent did and they started doing treatment . State of affairs is kind of optimistic until the Tuesday . All of sudden other organs were getting worsed and they told united states of america that it was something we didn't handle this earlier and told us that either to take hazard with their approach or admit into other hospital who handled this before . Immediately my family unit members took her into other hospital . When they admitted her and doctors put her ventilation, her heart beat stopped working and doctors tried with pumping for an hours but no employ . Finally my mother expired on last Thursday at half-dozen:thirty pm in indian timing .
coming to my story , I am currently in u.s. since last 5 years. I saw her directly in 2016 Jan since then calls and confront time. In my unabridged life I only shared all my good bad things to my female parent merely . She is a government teacher . I studied in her school from get-go- 5th standard . She was the person who changed my accedemic levels from the position where I fifty-fifty don't know the value of ane.fifty+ane.50=three until five th standard to doing PhD in untitled states of America. In my entire life I asked her so many dumbest and weirdest questions and keeps on telling her that I tin sustain in the society, I don't take proper communication skills , I tin can't make friends even I am skillful at them , people always tease, criticize me even I am trying to good at them , I am not smart and not a quick learner too , I do t know how to drive a auto or bike . These were my constant compliments to her . I hardly shared my expert things to her saying that I want to aid people and I wanted to adopt few children and wants to feed them and support them in their carrear. Except that , remaining conversation was filled up with negativity , negativity negativity . I kept on telling this every day since the concluding 15 years . But her reply was don't worry I volition be there for yous , you lot tin can do it and don't worry well-nigh others , god will help you out . I take been fighting since then but no use . Since I came to Us , I came to more of my weak points where I can't even interact my colleagues properly in my work environment. Even I am doing my piece of work , I am unable to communicate them properly . Again I started lament this to my mother and the chat repeats until my final telephone call with her . Even I don't take any proper skills to sustain this social club, I earned almost 1cr($100k) indian ruppes and gifted a beautiful 2 bhk flat to my parents. They recently shifted to that identify and started new life .
I hope you all guys understand my interaction with my mother. For every torso , they could of atleast some social life or they are confident enough that they can sustain here but I am lacking of those things since the long fourth dimension. I am still failed to explore my strengths but where I plant out uncountable weak points . I am kind of fighter but that was happened but because of my mother's replies to all my dumbest questions
so when I came to know almost my mother'due south death , my sister asked me that when I could come up to Bharat and practice the funeral process. I said I have visa bug which I really have and told her that I can come simply I am not sure if I return dorsum . If you are okay , I will come permanently. She said it's okay and told me that my father will do on behalf of me.
as a son it'south my primary responsibility to exercise that and also if y'all consider the interaction levels with my female parent , I should be at that place at this time but I am not
My 89 twelvemonth one-time abusive, personality disordered mother is dying, finish phase cancer. True to her life long nature, she is making her 'last stand' miserable for her elderly, adult children. I anticipate she volition dice within four-6 weeks, and am trying my all-time to just cope with the dying drama on a daily basis, and continue decent communication and support going with my iv siblings (all decent people, who I care about and have good relationships with). I take decided non to participate in any funeral/memorial discussions, thinking it best to leave that to those siblings who may have more appreciating feelings for my mother than I exercise. (I distanced myself from our mother many years agone, both physically and emotionally, due to her unrelenting emotional abuse and escalating demands/unstable behaviors.) I practise not want to go to any funeral or service for her, since I don't call up i can bear to listen to all the 'such a good mom' garbage that is going to be spewed past relatives who weren't privy to her abuse of her children. I don't want to be 'consoled' in 'my loss', and I am ill of pretending this woman is normal and sick of pretending I grieve her illness/death. I have nix expert to say about her. Accordingly, I feel information technology is just standing the corruption to have to sit down and pretend through a maudlin funeral service, and non be able to say what I experience. (eg. if others can say what they feel (loss, grief, any), why am i expected to keep my mouth shut about how i truly feel? Doesn't this but perpetuate the secrecy/silence of abuse? Anyway, I think its better I don't go to the funeral, and leave it to those who may find comfort there. However, siblings pressuring me to attend. I don't want to cause a final riff with siblings, but I don't desire to be forced to one time once again pretend that everything in family was hunky dory. I am so sick of the dishonesty and denial. Thanks, all hither in this forum, for just being here.
Chloe,
I am so sorry that yous are struggling with this.
What helps me is existence able to separate the person from their faults.
It's okay to miss your dad because he'due south your dad. You lot tin miss having a male parent in your life merely not the grief that he caused your family.
Wishing you peace during this hardship.
Take care. Don't hesitate to speak to a therapist. It does help. I went to a therapist to sort out my feelings.
I didn't go to my dad's funeral, he got kicked out of my house in 2014 when I was 9 due to gambling, I went and saw him a couple of times, then he started gambling and drinking once again. I then got scared to see him. He kept coming to the business firm and he broke in one time and egged everything and smashed things. I stopped seeing him subsequently that and nosotros only spoke a couple of times about him. Then 3rd February 2019 when I was 13 we got told by his other son ( my half brother) he has been diagnosed with brain and liver cancer we went to see him at the hospital but he died on our mode in that location. I went into the room that he died in and I saw his body laying at that place and I burst into tears. I then decided a couple of weeks after I didn't want to go to his funeral because I was scared of what my mum would think of me aswell as his side of the family. I'm crying whilst writing this and I highly regret not going to his funeral and have to this day wondered what people thought about me non going. How exercise I tell my mum that I miss him I'one thousand scared of what she will think of me?? Even though I didn't spend his final days with him I want to know if he ever thought about me at all??
My female parent was cremated and my sister took her ashes and decided to throw them in the lake with her dead husbands ashes she had been hanging onto. I remember one-half of why she did this is because she wanted to rent a sailboat and get to go out on the lake with her daughter lol. When I institute out what she had done, I didn't care. For me, death is to be in spirit away from the torso. Nosotros paid for the cremation. I really looked at it every bit something I didn't take to do.
Interesting that someone can't go to a funeral because of Covid, yet at present they will put a person back in their homes who had Covid, but to chance the lives of their spouse and/or families. It's all coming around and it's not good for those who take had Covid, but yet at take chances.
Neverwanted--
Your post broke my heart.
You audio brave and tough. A adept combination.
Had a chat with my BIL on Sunday when he asked nigh my OB. I was shocked to detect that my BIL didn't know my OB died near 10 years ago....he was kind of being jokey about information technology--don't know why, I judge not the most sensitive of guys. He said (laughingly) "wow, it seemed to really break your centre". I did Non want to talk about it. I said "my brother is in 'Hell', without question. I don't mourn him. I didn't mourn him. I was so relieved when he died because he couldn't HURT PEOPLE anymore". And i refused to talk any more than most him.
When someone dies, sometimes people tend to somehow glorify them, as if expiry erases all the garbage that they did, all the pain they brought upon others. My OB was a rotten, horrible person and maybe v people cared most him. He left a wake of pain, cleaved hearts and minds.
I know there's a special corner of the next earth for people similar this, people who knowingly and willfully but went about pain and ruining people's lives. I don't repent for how I experience. He ruined me in many means, and at age 64 I am still working on feeling worthy to exist alive.
Nosotros practice non demand people like that in our lives, for sure.
neverwanted, I am so sad you had such a traumatic childhood.It must have been horrible for y'all and your brother. I am glad your brother found some peace in his new faith. My heart breaks for you both. I am glad you broke abroad from your parents and accept a peaceful life. No child should ever go through such horror. Hugs to you.
neverwanted,
This is my mail from a long fourth dimension ago. Every now and then, it pops upward.
I thank you for sharing your story.
Firstly, I want to say how terribly sorry I am that y'all went through and so much misery and desperation.
You lot labeled it correctly past calling your dad's treatment of yous abuse. Plain and unproblematic, it was horrid corruption!
Secondly, yous were justified in not wanting to attend your dad'southward funeral.
I sympathise that yous wanted answers when y'all grew upwards. It appears that your relationship with your mom was complicated too. It's a terribly distressing situation.
I'm then sad that you lot had a strained relationship with your blood brother. Many of united states can relate to crappy sibling relationships.
There are so many dysfunctional families in our world. You know this as much as anyone else who has suffered.
I had a troubled babyhood too. At that place was sadness and confusion. There were happy memories mixed in and I and grateful for those.
I sincerely hope that you accept had peace in your life since leaving domicile. I don't blame you in the least for non looking dorsum.
I don't judge anyone who clearly closes a door for skillful reasons and doesn't open it upward again.
Information technology may take awhile before a person can reach a point to walk away but it is fantastically liberating to be free from all of the pain, right?
There is no feeling better than the weight of the entire world off of our shoulders!
Wishing you all of the peace and joy that at that place is in life. You lot deserve it!
Have care, my friend.
My begetter hated me his entire life. He used to tell me that I ruined his life and that I was cipher just trouble e'er since I was born. It always left me wondering what I did. He treated me like dirt and beat me like I was an animal. My brother used to wet his pants and pass out when our father beat him. I thought he had beaten my blood brother to expiry. Our parents should have been reported to child protective services. In spite of the beatings, my brother always idolized him. When he was 18, my brother had a complete nervous breakdown where he shut off the globe and paced in the house for 2 years. He later found God and organized religion and now lives in a safe religious chimera that he created for himself in an alternate reality. I had gotten a chore at age 16 and my parents took my money. They never provided any type of support. I paid them to live in their house as well equally paid for my own education, my crappy used car, the insurance for information technology and for my own telephone (I was non permitted to use theirs). I financed everything by working nights at a eatery. My father was the cheapest person I have ever known. He used to bring home board games that he found and pieces were missing. He gave me a used baseball game. I once asked him for 5 cents for a popsicle from the Good Humor truck and he told me no because since there were 2 of us (myself and my twin brother) and it would be too expensive. He worked in construction and my female parent was a high school dropout who was estranged from her whole family unit. Its astonishing what you learn as y'all go older. To me, he and my female parent never seemed like a married couple. His friends seemed more important to him than his wife and children. We would have been better off in foster care. When I was 40 years old, I heard a few rumors and I sought out the truth and I learned the truth. I visited a relative living in the nursing home and I asked her if my parents marriage was a shotgun marriage. Reluctantly she told me that information technology was. She stated that she was my begetter's Godmother ( I never knew that) and that no one in the family wanted him to marry her. As a issue of this shotgun matrimony, my father was disinherited and basically shunned from his family unit. That'south why he hated me and blamed me for his misery. I had not seen him or had any contact with him in 10 years and then he died shoveling snow on the sidewalk in front of the firm. He spent the last week of his life snowed in the house fighting with his wife. He went out to shovel snowfall to get away from her and he dropped dead of a centre attack. My brother called me and told me what happened and I said "then what". I told him that I didn't care that Dad died and I had no involvement in attending the funeral and then I packed up and stayed with a relative who lives out of country. I learned that during the viewing and funeral, my brother trashed me to family members telling them that I always gave my parents nothing just problem and that I was a drug addict. That'due south the punishment (and last kick in the a**) I got for non going to a viewing and funeral for a human being who always hated me, treated me similar dirt and beat me like I was an animal. The only thing that my male parent ever gave me was his name along with a big lump on my shin where he beat me with a puddle cue because he didn't similar the way that I mowed the lawn. I didn't speak to my brother for 8 years afterwards. My brother withal has hang-ups, he goes to church every mean solar day! He is afraid to exist around people or in public. Equally for our mother (the high school driblet out) Dad left her close to 900 k dollars which she spent on herself and the casinos. I wanted zero and I haven't seen her now going on thirty years and exercise not care if I ever see her again. I accept no regrets not going to my fathers viewing or funeral. Every bit far as I was concerned, he was already dead before he died. Same goes for my mother. I am much meliorate off with them out of my life than in it and the by decades without them have been peaceful.